Thursday, January 11, 2018


...The illness is the devil...a win for this devil wouldn't be to kill would be to make me an angry...bitter...depressed...victim...

...Victimization is the win...If I don't become a victim...if I deny the devil the satisfaction of the victimization...then I win... can hurt can make me can even kill me...but victimization is my choice...if I'm a victim...then that's on me...

...I can choose to win...or I can choose to lose...

Tuesday, August 22, 2017


Can't believe this
Here I am
Wrestling Death
Face to face
I've heard about this
But now here I am
Doing it myself
Struggling so hard
He's laughing in my face
I keep fighting him
He keeps laughing
I cry like a bitch
I don't want to die

So much time I wasted
Being depressed
Being dissatisfied with life
Fuck that
I will never be depressed again
Fuck depression
Why would I want to die?
What was I thinking?
The reality of death is so scary
This is so fucked

I want this to stop now
I want to go for a walk
In the woods
That's good enough for me
I wanted so much more before
Felt I deserved much more
Now I just want to walk
And breathe
Dig my hands into dirt
And breathe
That's all I care about
The smallest things in life
So precious
I took it all for granted
I know, sounds so cliche
You've heard this over
And over
People like me can tell you
"Don't take life for granted"
But you must experience it yourself
You must wrestle death yourself
Even though this is so fucked

I want to breathe now
And walk in the woods
And feel the dirt


shaking like crazy
muscles so weak
can hardly walk
heart racing
fighting to stay conscious
feel so hot
nurses so cold
borderline sociopaths
they probably need to be
they see so much sadness
and death
they must turn off their empathy
it's the only way to function
I look up above the door
there's a crucifix
it's there as a focal point
something to look at
while you endure pain
or while you die
hello, mortality
you were an abstraction before
but now I've seen you up close
you never scared me before
I believed in the afterlife
heaven even
but now that I've met you
experienced you first-hand
you scare the shit out of me
I do not want to die


I get upset
Because I see masses being masses
Not individuals
And the powerful exploit them
And manipulate them
But then I realize this is nothing new
The masses have always been masses
You can fight to enlighten them
Fight to individualize them
But you can only fight so much
Because this is the human species
This is how the human species is
And always has been
Look at Jesus' times
Or Puritanical times
Or 1930s Germany times
As long as we're homo sapiens
It will always be this way
So why fight it so much
Might as well relax a bit
Take a deep breath
Do something creative
It's all you can really do
And let the masses be masses
As they've always been
For millions of years

Wednesday, June 21, 2017


The pendulum swings to the right
The pendulum swings to the left
If I want to be a true liberal
I must be wherever the pendulum isn't
I must stay away from that pendulum
The pendulum is bad news


Kamala Harris
She's the former attorney general of California
Now she's United States senator
Also part of the Senate Intelligence Committee
Half the time I'm not even sure what she's saying
But she makes facial expressions
Raises her eyebrows
Wiggles in her chair
Leans forward
Tilts her head
Speaks over people
Cuts them off sometimes
And this makes her look smart
In the know
Superior to whoever she's talking to

For all I know she IS superior
And smarter
More in the know
Because I admit I'm not that smart
So she may know something I don't
Not sure
But I also realize I could say
"Bologna sandwiches"
To Stephen Hawking
Over and over again
Then raise my eyebrows
Shift around in my chair
Cock my head a bit
Look somewhat annoyed 
And many people would still think I'm
Smarter than
And superior to
Stephen Hawking

Monday, June 19, 2017


With anorexia, it doesn't matter how thin you are
You're never thin enough
Your body is never good enough

With my writing, it doesn't matter how much I've written
Books, screenplays, poems, essays...
It's never enough
The output is never good enough

So I keep writing and writing
Not because I love it
But because of the disease
An endless pursuit to be good enough

I will never stop
It's a mental illness