Sunday, August 31, 2014

THE VOID AFTER THE STORM


This poem is dedicated to Robin Williams. I think I know how he felt now...


THE VOID AFTER THE STORM
by matt burns

Life has a sick way of working

About a week after breaking ties with her
I go on my scheduled vacation
I go on it alone
The timing seems bad
If there’s one thing you don’t want to do alone
Right away
It’s vacation

I go to the beach
I explore the area
I take photos
I walk
I loaf
Alone

Of course I wish
I had somebody
To share the experience with
To share the good times with
My whole extended family is around
They have their wives
Girlfriends
Significant others
And I step outside myself
I see nobody but me
And I feel so alone

The loneliness consumes me
It mutates into depression
The depression takes me over
It shackles my arms
It shackles my legs
I can’t move
I can’t leave the cottage

I finally get into my bathing suit 
I go down to the beach 
I'm in the slowest motion
I'm wallowing through molasses
The water’s so fucking cold
I don’t care
I walk right in
I like the physical pain
It diverts attention away from the emotional pain
I want to drown myself in the cold pain
It will eventually numb my body
I won't feel anything
And I won't be in my body
And I'll be off this earth
And away from the pain

What have I done?
I don’t even know
Can’t get perspective
Can’t go backwards
Can't reevaluate
Can't make sense of it
The storm is over
But there is no peace following it
There is just a void
And I’m left wondering
Maybe the void is worse than the storm
Because now the depression is so bad
I want nothing more 
Than to die

In hindsight
I had two choices
Chaos
Or death
I should have gone with chaos
But it's too late 
Too late

Sunday, August 24, 2014

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO


DREADING THE IPOD
by matt burns

After what’s happened
Between me
And her
The only thing I’m dreading
Is the Ipod

I see it on my dresser
Staring at me
I want its music
But I know the playlist on there
All
Too
Goddamn well

Most songs will remind me of her

It’s best to get drunk
Stuff the ear buds into my canals
Play the shit out of the Ipod
Blast the music
Get it over with
Take the pain
And play it some more
Take the pain!
Play it some more
Take the pain!!
Play it some more!!!

Over time
I’ll either desensitize myself to the pain
Or I’ll develop new memories
And I won’t link the songs with her anymore
I'll link them to the new memories

Only then can I listen to my Ipod again
Without any fear
Of being ambushed by a song
That makes me hurt so bad