Wednesday, April 23, 2014

THREE POEMS ABOUT WRITING AND BEING DELUSIONAL


THE JOY OF BEING A NOVELIST
by matt burns

It really sucks when you put
A good solid thousand hours into something
A good year of your life
Which is a lot
And you work so hard
And hard
And hard
And you get sort of near the end
But then you snap out of the slumber
Break the delusion
Somehow get yanked out of subjectivity
And you see a problem
A big problem
A problem that is like a bomb
That goes off
From the base levels
And the tower that is the novel starts falling level by level
Pancaking on itself
And you’re saying how could I have been so blind to the fact
That this shit just doesn’t work
Why did I have to go so far down the road
Only to snap out of it
And realize
The cause was lost
The novel was doomed
And you wasted all that energy
And time
Time you could’ve been making money
You could’ve been so much richer
Even if you worked at McDonalds’!

This is the joy of being a novelist 



I’M DELUSIONAL (and it scares me)
by matt burns

You read an old short story
Or watch an old short film
Or some video you shot of a band
Maybe five or six years ago
You see it now
And it’s really not that great
But you remember
That at the time
Right after you made it
You thought it was the best thing in the world
Solid gold
More pure than the Pope’s shit

You were so delusional
It’s ridiculous
And it makes you laugh

But you can’t help but think
About NOW
And the shit you think is good now
And how delusional you are
You just don’t realize it yet

I’m delusional now
I must be
I can’t see through it
But I must be
And it scares me!

Life, I guess, is about peeling away the layers of delusion
But the question is
Do you ever get to any point of pure clarity
Or are we forever delusional
And are there even varying degrees of delusion
Or is there just an onion of delusion
With infinite layers to peel?



WRITING HAS RUINED MY LIFE
by matt burns

I’ve been thinking about my life
How to change it for the better
I have no major drug or alcohol problems
But I realize
That I do have another addiction
Writing

Writing is my bad addiction
Writing is my vice
Because like with every other addiction
I can’t just do a little here and there
I have to take it to the extreme
And when I take it to the extreme
My life becomes consumed by it
It takes up all my time
It takes up all my energy
And I end up having no money
And less relationships 
And without money and relationships
I have less confidence
And esteem
The writing takes hold of me like any drug
And it owns me

What I really need to do to change my life
In a radical way
Is quit writing
That’s the only way things will change
I’ll have more time
To make more money
And I’ll be less miserable
Everything will change

If I’m sick of the same-old, same-old
That’s the only way to initiate big change
Quit writing
It’s that simple

But I’m pretty sure I can’t quit it
And thus I’m doomed to be trapped in this hell
For the rest of my life

IT'S OK TO BE MISERABLE


DON’T FIGHT THE MISERY
by matt burns

I know that I’m supposed to love myself
And I’m supposed to think positive
And I’m supposed to be happy

But there are days
When I’m really quite miserable
Maybe not even for a specific reason
Maybe I’m hung over
Or maybe I ate some Hot Pockets 
Or some other microwaveable crap with additives
And artificial flavorings 
That tend to make me cranky…

Who knows why I’m miserable today
But for some reason I am
And I think I’m not alone
I think a lot of you out there are miserable some days

Well, sirs and ma’ams,
I can’t tell you how much better I feel
When I just admit that I’m miserable
And I decide to be OK with being miserable
And not fight it
Just say
I am miserable and it is what it is

Most of my pain
Most of my anxiety
Is born out of me fighting the misery
I’m ashamed that I’m miserable
I’m ashamed that I’m being negative
I’m ashamed that I’m not thinking positively
Because, fuck, we’re all supposed to be positive!
We’re all supposed to love ourselves
And be happy all the fucking time
That Pharrell Williams guy says BE HAPPY
Do what Pharrell says!

But I’m not happy all the fucking time
And I’m not going to fight it
Because fighting it makes me more miserable
And borderline insane

I am miserable
And I’m OK with it
It’s OK to be this way
Be miserable
It’s fine