WRESTLING DEATH

Can't believe this
Here I am
Wrestling Death
Face to face
I've heard about this
But now here I am
Doing it myself
Struggling so hard
He's laughing in my face
I keep fighting him
He keeps laughing
I cry like a bitch
I don't want to die
I
Do
Not
Want
To
Die

So much time I wasted
Being depressed
Being dissatisfied with life
Fuck that
I will never be depressed again
Fuck depression
Why would I want to die?
What was I thinking?
The reality of death is so scary
This is so fucked

I want this to stop now
Please
I want to go for a walk
In the woods
That's good enough for me
I wanted so much more before
Felt I deserved much more
Now I just want to walk
And breathe
Dig my hands into dirt
And breathe
That's all I care about
The smallest things in life
So precious
I took it all for granted
I know, sounds so cliche
You've heard this over
And over
Again
People like me can tell you
"Don't take life for granted"
But you must experience it yourself
You must wrestle death yourself
Even though this is so fucked

I want to breathe now
And walk in the woods
And feel the dirt

HELLO MORTALITY

shaking like crazy
muscles so weak
can hardly walk
heart racing
dizziness
fighting to stay conscious
feel so hot
nurses so cold
borderline sociopaths
they probably need to be
they see so much sadness
pain
and death
they must turn off their empathy
it's the only way to function
I look up above the door
there's a crucifix
it's there as a focal point
something to look at
while you endure pain
or while you die
hello, mortality
you were an abstraction before
but now I've seen you up close
you never scared me before
I believed in the afterlife
heaven even
but now that I've met you
experienced you first-hand
you scare the shit out of me
I do not want to die

LET THE MASSES BE MASSES

I get upset
Because I see masses being masses
Not individuals
And the powerful exploit them
And manipulate them
But then I realize this is nothing new
The masses have always been masses
You can fight to enlighten them
Fight to individualize them
But you can only fight so much
Because this is the human species
This is how the human species is
And always has been
Look at Jesus' times
Or Puritanical times
Or 1930s Germany times
As long as we're homo sapiens
It will always be this way
So why fight it so much
Might as well relax a bit
Take a deep breath
Do something creative
It's all you can really do
And let the masses be masses
As they've always been
For millions of years

STAY AWAY FROM THE PENDULUM

The pendulum swings to the right
The pendulum swings to the left
If I want to be a true liberal
I must be wherever the pendulum isn't
I must stay away from that pendulum
The pendulum is bad news

I CAN SAY BOLOGNA SANDWICHES TO STEPHEN HAWKING

Kamala Harris
She's the former attorney general of California
Now she's United States senator
Also part of the Senate Intelligence Committee
Half the time I'm not even sure what she's saying
But she makes facial expressions
Raises her eyebrows
Wiggles in her chair
Leans forward
Tilts her head
Speaks over people
Cuts them off sometimes
And this makes her look smart
In the know
Superior to whoever she's talking to

For all I know she IS superior
And smarter
More in the know
Because I admit I'm not that smart
So she may know something I don't
Not sure
But I also realize I could say
"Bologna sandwiches"
To Stephen Hawking
Over and over again
Then raise my eyebrows
Shift around in my chair
Cock my head a bit
Look somewhat annoyed 
And many people would still think I'm
Smarter than
And superior to
Stephen Hawking

IT'S A MENTAL ILLNESS

With anorexia, it doesn't matter how thin you are
You're never thin enough
Your body is never good enough

With my writing, it doesn't matter how much I've written
Books, screenplays, poems, essays...
It's never enough
The output is never good enough

So I keep writing and writing
Not because I love it
But because of the disease
An endless pursuit to be good enough

I will never stop
It's a mental illness

HELL IS RISING

...I went to the usual spot...closed my eyes...quieted my mind in meditation...awaited the presence of the ascended master...and, soon, he appeared to me...

...I had one question for the master...what is hell like...and then he told me...

...imagine a place where there is never-ending fury...

...mixed with the sound of constant cursing, complaining, bickering, quibbling and blaming...

...along with the sounds of lamentation...weeping...wailing...moaning...sighing...sobbing...

...and cries of fear...pain...and woe...

...then, there is the worship of all materials...the flaunting of riches...prestige...

...love is also reduced to a material...where lovers are but trophies and displayed as such...

...I told the master that this place sounds familiar...I joked and said it reminds me of what-we-call social media...like Facebook...

...the master did not laugh, however...but remained serious...

...this social media...this Facebook...it is the hell I speak of...in a different guise no doubt...but it is made of the same energy found in hell....and is, thus, also hell...it is hell and hell is it...

...I could not help but utter "holy shit" under my breath and then apologized to the master for my disrespectful reaction, though he understood...

...he simply said that hell is rising...it's bubbling up into our world...and, with that, he disappeared...

WE'LL MEET AGAIN

sitting in the coffee shop...working on my laptop...I overhear the conversation taking place at a table close by...a bride-to-be and wedding planner...seems so strange to me...no, it's wonderful, don't get me wrong...beautiful even...and I mean that seriously...because here I am thinking why would you go to all that effort for a wedding...unfathomable to me...must be nice, though...to find somebody you love...so much that you want to celebrate that love with a wedding...one you put so much planning...not to mention money into...hire a DJ...photographer...videographer...invite all your friends...I shrug and kind of smile...that's really awesome...and, again, I mean that with all seriousness...but for me...not in this lifetime, dude...that kind of life seems so far removed, like in another dimension...because I think I know my lot now...and I've been fine with it, too...not depressed by any means...but "love", shit, that's for others, not me...I was comfortably numb...not in love...but not sad about not being in love either...I could ride this out until the end...cruise control, baby...no problemo, I'm cool with this...and totally at peace

and then it blindsided me

only about an hour or two later...a simple conversation with a new girl...only a few minutes in...everything about her mesmerizes me...the sound of her voice sounds like water trickling through stones...I'm left frozen...stunned...oh my God...I know this feeling...I was so ok being without this feeling...but, shit, it's here...been gone so long...but here it is...no warning...no time to prepare...it's just BOOM here I am...and here I am stunned...paralyzed...I don't want the conversation to end...I want it to go on forever and ever and ever...I don't want to let go...don't go away from me...please stay with me for the rest of time...please don't walk away...

but it ends...and she walks away...and I want to shout please come back...come back...but I can't say it...I see her disappear...and here I am left alone...feeling punch-drunk...head spinning...can't think straight...can hardly function...then I become pissed!..so pissed that I crossed paths with this girl!..because I thought the feeling was gone for good...never wanted to feel it again...wanted to believe it was all in the past...and I could cruise along until death...but here it was...reminding me that it's still around...and I won't get off that easy...love is out there, it was saying...not even with this specific girl...because I don't even know if I'll see her again...but it wasn't about her anyway...it was what she embodied...the feeling she represented...and how it reminded me it still exists...and you can't run away from it...nor can you shield yourself from it...love is out there...whether you like it or not...

and you'll have to deal with it again

I LEAVE THE TUBE SOCKS ON

the tube socks are on my feet...and I'm going running...usually I would change to ankle socks...but I know the tube socks are more comfortable...so this time I leave them on...normally I would change them...because they make me look square...but now I choose comfort over looks...and I realize this is a sign I'm getting old

I WISH I COULD BLAME THE DISEASE

they're lucky...because they get to call it a disease...and, for me, it's just a bad habit...I could call it a disease...but I'd be full of shit...I know it's just a bad habit...though I wish I could blame the disease...all the bad things I've done under the influence...it's the disease's fault...blame the disease...I'm not doubting the disease exists...I'm just saying I'm envious of those who have it...because those with the disease get a free pass...all their bad decisions become null and void...God, don't blame me, blame the disease...damn, I wish this bad habit could progress to the level of a disease...then my soul and conscience would suddenly be clean...I push hard to get this habit to the next level...but it never happens...it will forever remain just a bad habit...and I'll forever remain responsible for my actions

SIPPING ON A CUP OF DUNKINS

sipping on a cup of Dunkins...I'm torn with conflicting emotions...it has a strong scent of perfume on it...I'm assuming because whoever prepared it was wearing strong perfume...my coffee cup smells like pretty woman...but, on the other hand, I'm not sure I want my coffee cup smelling this way...I think I just want it smelling like coffee...I'm having trouble deciding whether I like this

LATENT VIRUS

It's been hiding out ever since the 1930s in Germany
And before that it had been hiding out since the 1600s
Witch Trials
Or maybe not even that long back
It is a virus that hides in the human DNA
It hides for years
But then when our immune system weakens
It seizes the opportunity
Comes out to play
Wreaks some havoc
Eventually it gets contained
Goes back into latency
And waits for its next opportunity

AND THEN CNN SAID SAID UNTO THE PEOPLE: "BOW YOUR HEAD AND PRAY TO POP CULTURE"

I watch CNN's special on the 80s
They're telling me everything important to know about the 80s decade
This includes TV shows
And other pop-culture
And then I realize it's all bullshit
They're presenting what I should know
And they want me to kneel
And show reverence to this pop culture
This is what matters, they say
But I realize none of it matters
It's all bullshit
They're programming my mind, I realize
Love pop culture
Bow your head
And pray
To pop culture
Condition the consumer
Condition me to consume pop culture
I shake that conditioning
And realize there's things that matter
But none is being discussed in this program
This is mind control
Thanks CNN
But no thanks
In fact
Fuck you CNN
I'm onto your bullshit
I'm not falling for your brainwashing
There's other shit that matters
Not this shit you're telling me matters
You say this is human excellence
But I say
No
We can do better

WHAT WAS RAPED OF ME WAS MY MORALITY

And then you take a look at yourself
You say, damn, I've made the ultimate sacrifice
I mean, I've made sacrifices before this
But this is the ultimate
I've gone so far down this "divine" path
And what was raped of me at the very end
Was my morality

What was raped of me
Was my morality

I've been demoralized
And I say, man, was it worth it
Probably not
This seems all very wrong
Nothing is worth being demoralized
Right
But then you think about your idea of morality
Have you been demoralized according to God
Or is it according to man
If it's the latter then I'm good
If it's the former then this has been all wrong

THE GOOD SAMARITAN

Being the Good Samaritan is good
But I know why I'm being so good
Because my self-esteem is so bad
And I'm doing so much good
To justify my existence
If my self-esteem were good
I wouldn't be doing as much good
So am I really good
Or not so good after all

OUR REALITY'S BEING WRITTEN FOR US

Donald Trump wins election
Russians may have hacked Hillary's emails
The Russians were influencing the election
Trump may be an operative for the Russians
Trump sex tape
Golden showers
MI6 spies
Dossier
Trump being blackmailed by the Russians
No, not blackmail, scratch that
Trump has business ties with Russians
No, blackmail
No, business ties
General Flynn talking sanctions with the Russians
Something's rotten in Denmark
More Trump aides have ties with Russians
Entire cabinet has ties with Russians
Trump definitely colluding with Russians

Now for ACT III
Assad has dropped chemical bombs on Syrians
Innocent civilians and children suffering horribly
President Trump between rock and hard place
Because Russians support Assad and his regime
Will Trump do nothing which means he's colluding with Russians
Or will he bomb Syria to show he has no ties with Russians

When did reality unravel in this climactic progression of events
It seems unnatural
It's like somebody's writing all this
Hammering out plot point, after plot point
And then you realize
Fuck
Maybe somebody IS writing it all out
And our reality isn't actual reality
It's being written for us
And is thus unreality

Who is the author of this great narrative
I do not know
But I'll tell you one thing
It's not God

THE FREEZING POINT IS HARD TO DETERMINE

my new thing is I can't have a beer unless it's at maximum coldness...as cold as it can get without freezing...I can't drink the beer if it's not juuuuust about freezing...so close to 32 faren-karen-honey-bunny...kissing the freezing point, babe...but, on the flipside, I can't drink the beer if it's frozen either...for obvious reasons...plus, it often explodes and volcanoes on me when it's like that...so the key is to find the edge...but as Hunter Thompson once said...the edge is so hard to find...because once you've found it...you've already gone over

BEWARE OF THE LONG HAIR

beware, beware, my friends...because it WILL happen to you...sooner or later...you WILL be in a new restroom out there in the world, somewhere...and this restroom WILL have intense backlighting...and you WILL notice a very long hair growing from the outer ear lobe...a hair you never knew existed before...and you're shocked by its presence...not to mention ashamed...you will hurry home and snip this hair...but you WILL be haunted by thoughts...who has seen this hair?..and not told me?..beware, my friends, this will happen to you

OUT OF THE GAME

I like working with children
Because they're not yet part of the game

I like working with the elderly
Because they're retired from the game

Everybody else in between
They're lame

THOSE WITH BIG HEARTS NOW HAVE BIG HORNS

the devil is very tricksy...and I'm talking figuratively...at least I think...he's a tricksy devil...because he's taken over the warm-hearted...he's had sex with the liberals...he's gotten his semen into their blood...and misdirected their good intentions...those with the big hearts now have the big horns...beware of the 'liberals'...because they are fascists in a new disguise...so full of hate...and so much uglier than what they protest

THEY MAKE ME THINK I'M FUCKED

confusion...and then I feel so sick...the anti-Trumpers make me so sick...Washington Post...New York Times...CNN...the entire media-industrial complex...and then they say they are the truth-tellers...and I get so sick again...but then I wonder...if they're really telling the truth...and I'm so sick by their truth...then I'm completely fucked in the head...because the truth makes me so sick...this makes me confused...hence why I said 'confusion' earlier...because they make me think I'm fucked...but I don't think I'm fucked...I know what you're thinking right now...because most readers of poetry hate Trump...so you're thinking I'm fucked...I don't think I'm fucked...but you think I'm fucked...so who's right here...I don't want to be fucked...and I don't think I am...but what does that make you if I'm not fucked...fucked? Fuck!