I STARTED WATCHING WHALE DOCUMENTARIES

I STARTED WATCHING WHALE DOCUMENTARIES
by matt burns

I started watching whale documentaries
And vowed never to watch the news again
I exorcised the negative
And welcomed the beautiful and positive

But abandoning the news
I felt stupid and uninformed
I had no opinion about anything
I couldn't participate in the popular conversations

I guess immersing yourself in the negative
In this day and age
Makes you informed and smart

Immersing yourself in nothing but the beautiful and positive
Alienates you
And makes you a dumb ass

THE CONTRACT IS GOD

THE CONTRACT IS GOD
by matt burns

I stare the contract in the eye
It has many provisions
And myriad stipulations
All of which are meant dominate my ass
And sodomize me with intense fervor

The people that work for the company love me
They love my work
They love my dependability
They are so supportive
So why do they let the contract sodomize me so?
Why don't they overrule it?
No, they won't
They are human
And the contract is inhuman
Yet, it acquires more reverence than the human
So easily overruled by the human
Because the human always has the power
Though the human still displays utmost reverence to the inhuman
O Humanity!

The contract is God
The contract is Almighty
We've all become enslaved
By an inhuman entity

THE PRESIDENT NEEDS TO BE A PSYCHOPATH

THE PRESIDENT NEEDS TO BE A PSYCHOPATH
by matt burns

Drones hit targets
Two innocent Americans die
Obama apologizes
Later that day the Patriots visit the White House
Superbowl champions, we commend you!
Obama is calm, cool and collected
Cracks jokes
He's bold enough to joke about deflate-gate
Blood is on his hands!
I would have broken the fuck down
No President has ever really broken the fuck down
The President must be able to shut out feelings
The President must not mourn
He must not empathize
In short
He must be psychopathic

Two days later, riots break out in Baltimore
Nobody really knows what happened to Freddie Gray
Including Obama
But the President still sends a delegation to the Freddie funeral
People instantly forget about the drone mishap
The dog has been wagged
Obama's a hero again

ANOTHER APPEARANCE ON WRITER'S INFUSION

ANNOUNCEMENT: this is non-poetry-related but it does have to do with writing. Writer's Infusion recently invited me back on their show, this time to be a guest critiquer (is that a word?). In this webisode, we read a screenplay submission adapted from the novel Go by John Clellon Holmes. Go is said to be the first novel born out of the Beat movement in the 1950s. We all act out the parts during the read-through and then offer constructive criticism afterwards.

GOD GIVES BETTER BLOWJOBS

GOD GIVES BETTER BLOWJOBS

by matt burns

So whenever you give to the poor, don't sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be applauded by people. 

- Matthew 6:2

As Jesus stood on the mount, the people gathered and listened:

"You men in uniform run the marathon in memory of the bombing victims...
You don't wear the proper clothing
So you almost pass out from heat exhaustion
You don't wear the proper shoes
So you have nasty shin splints by the end
And your knees may need surgery.
But you get pats on the back
And all the girls want to give you blowjobs
Even some of the guys
Straight guys
Big, sloppy, nice blowjobs
With little or no teeth.

From one man to another
Hats off to you, brothers.
But I tell you the truth:
The blowjobs you get from Man
Do 
Not 
Compare
To the blowjobs you get from God."

MASTERING THE HUMAN CONDITION

MASTERING THE HUMAN CONDITION
by matt burns

You've mastered the human condition
When you're sober
When you're present
And when you're happy while you're sober and present

It takes an effort
But I can be sober
It takes an effort
But I can be present
Happiness, however, can't be worked at
It can be faked
But that doesn't make a master out of me
It just has to be there without effort

Effortless happiness feels impossible right now
I strive and strive for the happiness
I wanna be master now!
Let's get this over with now!
But striving is effort
It should just be there 
And it isn't

So it's impossible to master the human condition right now
But I'm still pretty young
Maybe the happiness will just appear some day
There is still time to become master
Being patient is key to masterdom
Though it also sucks balls

GROANING LIKE FRANKENSTEIN

GROANING LIKE FRANKENSTEIN
by matt burns

Carbon monoxide killed the family while they slept in their Maryland home.
oooooooooooh
A cop in South Carolina is charged with murder after shooting a black man.
uuummmhhhh
Russian spies are behind the hacking of White House computers.
uuuuuuuuuuh
Isis is using social media to recruit American women.
uuummmmmhhhhhh oooooooooooh uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh

Frankenstein is not watching the news.
The sounds are coming out of me
Involuntarily.
O misery!

The terrorist at the news desk 
has mastered his intonation of fright.
My primal buttons 
of fear 
and loathing 
Are pressed just right.
He has me wrapped around his finger 
oh so tight.
If I don't keep groaning like a miserable Frankenstein
I'll feel so guilty tonight.