This poem is dedicated to Robin Williams. I think I know how he felt now...
THE VOID AFTER THE STORM
by matt burns
Life has a sick way of working
About a week after breaking ties with her
I go on my scheduled vacation
I go on it alone
The timing seems bad
If there’s one thing you don’t want to do alone
Right away
It’s vacation
I go to the beach
I explore the area
I take photos
I walk
I loaf
Alone
Of course I wish
I had somebody
To share the experience with
To share the good times with
My whole extended family is around
They have their wives
Girlfriends
Significant others
And I step outside myself
I see nobody but me
And I feel so alone
The loneliness consumes me
It mutates into depression
The depression takes me over
It shackles my arms
It shackles my legs
I can’t move
I can’t leave the cottage
I finally get into my bathing suit
I go down to the beach
I'm in the slowest motion
I'm wallowing through molasses
The water’s so fucking cold
I don’t care
I walk right in
I like the physical pain
It diverts attention away from the emotional pain
I want to drown myself in the cold pain
It will eventually numb my body
I won't feel anything
And I won't be in my body
And I'll be off this earth
And away from the pain
What have I done?
I don’t even know
Can’t get perspective
Can’t go backwards
Can't reevaluate
Can't make sense of it
The storm is over
But there is no peace following it
There is just a void
And I’m left wondering
Maybe the void is worse than the storm
Because now the depression is so bad
I want nothing more
Than to die
In hindsight
I had two choices
Chaos
Or death
I should have gone with chaos
But it's too late
Too late
