TWO MELANCHOLY POEMS

REMEMBER THIS MOMENT

by matt burns

Remember this moment

Walking down the lake road

The path is a dirty one

Dusty, too

You walk the dog

Feeling like a zombie

On a different frequency

A very low one

Almost hell

The depression’s pulling you into the dirt

A bunch of devils

And demons

Clinging onto you

Dragging you down

And down

Down

Remember this moment

Write it down

Because if you ever shake this feeling

And if there ever is a time

When you’re happy

And things are going quite well

You’ll want to look back on this

And realize how far you’ve come

And not take it for granted

I’LL LEAVE JUST AS EMPTY

by matt burns

Long day so far

A long week

A long month

Long year

A long life

Lunch time

I’m hungry

In the stomach

And in the soul

I pull over into the nearest parking lot

I dial the local sub shop

I order a chicken parm sub

The girl asks if I want skosted

I say what

She says toasted

I say yes

She says ten minutes

I hang up

I suddenly notice I’m in a church parking lot

I didn’t mean for this

I did it subconsciously

I want to walk in and find sanctuary

I need a place that provides such a thing

A place to retreat

Recharge

And regroup

But I’ve been to the church before

And there are some statues

Some murals

An altar

And some holy water

But nothing much else

I’ll walk in there

I’ll have so much hope

But I’ll be let down

And I’ll leave just as hungry 

As I was when I walked in

I put my car in drive

And I leave the parking lot to get my sub

If I can't fill my soul

At least I can fill my stomach

I wish the church could be my sanctuary

But it isn’t

No matter how bad I want it to be

THE VOID AFTER THE STORM

This poem is dedicated to Robin Williams. I think I know how he felt now...

THE VOID AFTER THE STORM

by matt burns

Life has a sick way of working

About a week after breaking ties with her

I go on my scheduled vacation

I go on it alone

The timing seems bad

If there’s one thing you don’t want to do alone

Right away

It’s vacation

I go to the beach

I explore the area

I take photos

I walk

I loaf

Alone

Of course I wish

I had somebody

To share the experience with

To share the good times with

My whole extended family is around

They have their wives

Girlfriends

Significant others

And I step outside myself

I see nobody but me

And I feel so alone

The loneliness consumes me

It mutates into depression

The depression takes me over

It shackles my arms

It shackles my legs

I can’t move

I can’t leave the cottage

I finally get into my bathing suit 

I go down to the beach 

I'm in the slowest motion

I'm wallowing through molasses

The water’s so fucking cold

I don’t care

I walk right in

I like the physical pain

It diverts attention away from the emotional pain

I want to drown myself in the cold pain

It will eventually numb my body

I won't feel anything

And I won't be in my body

And I'll be off this earth

And away from the pain

What have I done?

I don’t even know

Can’t get perspective

Can’t go backwards

Can't reevaluate

Can't make sense of it

The storm is over

But there is no peace following it

There is just a void

And I’m left wondering

Maybe the void is worse than the storm

Because now the depression is so bad

I want nothing more 

Than to die

In hindsight
I had two choices
Chaos
Or death
I should have gone with chaos
But it's too late 
Too late

TWO POEMS SPAWNED BY A DEATH

My dog died a couple of days ago and the feelings I experienced afterwards gave birth to these two poems...

A GOOD CRY

by matt burns

I’m 32-years-old

My dog died yesterday

I was pretty sad about his death

But I was even more concerned about how my other dog would react

I remembered the movie Bambi

Where the baby deer has to deal with the mother’s death

It was so sad

All this is what made me cry more than I’ve ever cried

Probably since I was about eight-years-old I’d never cried so hard

I’m pretty sure I haven’t shed much of a tear in years

I was pretty sure my tear ducts had dried out completely

Maybe my eyes have burned a bit, misted at times

But today I absolutely balled my eyes out

Over

And over

Again

In the end, it kind of felt cathartic

Like I needed it

Like it was a big build-up of sadness

And years of depression

Purged from my soul

One great, big detox

All I needed was the death of my dog

To push me over the edge

And wash all the melancholy out

I think it’s good to have a big, hard-core cry

Now and again

Even if you’re a man

Be a man

And cry

Cry like a man

DEATH IS LIFE

by matt burns

No matter how much you prepare for it

It comes

Obviously

It’s inevitable

And I’m not talking your own death

I’m talking the death of others

First, you’re shocked and feel nothing

Then it slowly seeps in

And seeps in even further

And further

And your stomach gets so twisted

And you feel sick

You can hardly walk

You don’t want to exist, think or feel

Every song you listen to is sad

Even if it’s bright and sunny out, it’s sad weather

Your job doesn’t matter

Career doesn’t matter

Money doesn’t matter

The only thing that matters is LOVE

For that person 

Or animal

But now they’re gone

Forever

Even if you believe in heaven

Or an afterlife

Death still absolutely destroys you

You want to stay in a room the rest of your life

Make no friends

Marry no wife

Give birth to no kids

Accumulate no pets

Because if you’re completely alone

You never have to experience the hurt again

But being alone isn’t right

It isn’t healthy

Being saddened by a death means you’ve lived

Avoiding the sadness from a death means you lived very little

Because relationships is life

Isolation is death

Indeed, it’s a paradox

DEATH IS LIFE