MALWARE

MALWARE
by matt burns

I’ve tried to reset
I’ve tried to cleanse
But it continues to cling to me

The intense rage comes and goes
The intense depression comes and goes
One minute I think I’m ok
But then I’m erratic again
Illogical
Irrational
My feelings
My emotions
My behaviors
Make no sense
Almost like they’re not even coming from me
But an external entity

That girl gave me malware
And no matter what I do
I can’t get rid of it

CIRCLING THE RINK

CIRCLING THE RINK
by matt burns

Drifting around the rink
In circles
Not even lifting up my skates
Just gliding
And pumping
And drifting

Around
And around
And around
I go

I enter a meditative state
And I realize...

This is my life again
Drifting alone
In circles
In circles
And in circles

I look up ahead of me
I see a young couple
Probably high school age
Maybe early college
They're on a skating date
They're so cute
They're wobbling around
Awkward with the skates
They look so happy

In an alternative reality
That could have been us
But now she's married
It's only been a few months since we broke ties
But she's already married to another guy
She's entered a new chapter
While I'm circling around
Back to the old
Haunted by the past

I hear 'Uncle Matt!'
My nephew's skating behind me
He wants to race
So I race him
And he takes me out of my head
This is what I need!
I need to be out of my head!
But my nephew eventually gets tired
He takes a break
And I resume my circles
Around
And around
Around

What happened? 
I'll never wrap my head around it
All I know is that I'm back to being alone
Going around
And around 
In circles
Desperately looking for the new
But coming back around again
To the very 
Exact 
Same 
Old

TWO MELANCHOLY POEMS

REMEMBER THIS MOMENT

by matt burns

Remember this moment

Walking down the lake road

The path is a dirty one

Dusty, too

You walk the dog

Feeling like a zombie

On a different frequency

A very low one

Almost hell

The depression’s pulling you into the dirt

A bunch of devils

And demons

Clinging onto you

Dragging you down

And down

Down

Remember this moment

Write it down

Because if you ever shake this feeling

And if there ever is a time

When you’re happy

And things are going quite well

You’ll want to look back on this

And realize how far you’ve come

And not take it for granted

I’LL LEAVE JUST AS EMPTY

by matt burns

Long day so far

A long week

A long month

Long year

A long life

Lunch time

I’m hungry

In the stomach

And in the soul

I pull over into the nearest parking lot

I dial the local sub shop

I order a chicken parm sub

The girl asks if I want skosted

I say what

She says toasted

I say yes

She says ten minutes

I hang up

I suddenly notice I’m in a church parking lot

I didn’t mean for this

I did it subconsciously

I want to walk in and find sanctuary

I need a place that provides such a thing

A place to retreat

Recharge

And regroup

But I’ve been to the church before

And there are some statues

Some murals

An altar

And some holy water

But nothing much else

I’ll walk in there

I’ll have so much hope

But I’ll be let down

And I’ll leave just as hungry 

As I was when I walked in

I put my car in drive

And I leave the parking lot to get my sub

If I can't fill my soul

At least I can fill my stomach

I wish the church could be my sanctuary

But it isn’t

No matter how bad I want it to be

TWO POEMS SPAWNED BY A DEATH

My dog died a couple of days ago and the feelings I experienced afterwards gave birth to these two poems...

A GOOD CRY

by matt burns

I’m 32-years-old

My dog died yesterday

I was pretty sad about his death

But I was even more concerned about how my other dog would react

I remembered the movie Bambi

Where the baby deer has to deal with the mother’s death

It was so sad

All this is what made me cry more than I’ve ever cried

Probably since I was about eight-years-old I’d never cried so hard

I’m pretty sure I haven’t shed much of a tear in years

I was pretty sure my tear ducts had dried out completely

Maybe my eyes have burned a bit, misted at times

But today I absolutely balled my eyes out

Over

And over

Again

In the end, it kind of felt cathartic

Like I needed it

Like it was a big build-up of sadness

And years of depression

Purged from my soul

One great, big detox

All I needed was the death of my dog

To push me over the edge

And wash all the melancholy out

I think it’s good to have a big, hard-core cry

Now and again

Even if you’re a man

Be a man

And cry

Cry like a man

DEATH IS LIFE

by matt burns

No matter how much you prepare for it

It comes

Obviously

It’s inevitable

And I’m not talking your own death

I’m talking the death of others

First, you’re shocked and feel nothing

Then it slowly seeps in

And seeps in even further

And further

And your stomach gets so twisted

And you feel sick

You can hardly walk

You don’t want to exist, think or feel

Every song you listen to is sad

Even if it’s bright and sunny out, it’s sad weather

Your job doesn’t matter

Career doesn’t matter

Money doesn’t matter

The only thing that matters is LOVE

For that person 

Or animal

But now they’re gone

Forever

Even if you believe in heaven

Or an afterlife

Death still absolutely destroys you

You want to stay in a room the rest of your life

Make no friends

Marry no wife

Give birth to no kids

Accumulate no pets

Because if you’re completely alone

You never have to experience the hurt again

But being alone isn’t right

It isn’t healthy

Being saddened by a death means you’ve lived

Avoiding the sadness from a death means you lived very little

Because relationships is life

Isolation is death

Indeed, it’s a paradox

DEATH IS LIFE

IT'S OK TO BE MISERABLE

DON’T FIGHT THE MISERY

by matt burns

I know that I’m supposed to love myself

And I’m supposed to think positive

And I’m supposed to be happy

But there are days

When I’m really quite miserable

Maybe not even for a specific reason

Maybe I’m hung over

Or maybe I ate some Hot Pockets 

Or some other microwaveable crap with additives

And artificial flavorings 

That tend to make me cranky…

Who knows why I’m miserable today

But for some reason I am

And I think I’m not alone

I think a lot of you out there are miserable some days

Well, sirs and ma’ams,

I can’t tell you how much better I feel

When I just admit that I’m miserable

And I decide to be OK with being miserable

And not fight it

Just say

I am miserable and it is what it is

Most of my pain

Most of my anxiety

Is born out of me fighting the misery

I’m ashamed that I’m miserable

I’m ashamed that I’m being negative

I’m ashamed that I’m not thinking positively

Because, fuck, we’re all supposed to be positive!

We’re all supposed to love ourselves

And be happy all the fucking time

That Pharrell Williams guy says BE HAPPY

Do what Pharrell says!

But I’m not happy all the fucking time

And I’m not going to fight it

Because fighting it makes me more miserable

And borderline insane

I am miserable

And I’m OK with it

It’s OK to be this way

Be miserable

It’s fine

CHEMICAL HAPPINESS

CHEMICAL HAPPINESS

by matt burns

When I started drinking coffee

I did it because there was no more real energy

I had exhausted all natural energy

So I had no choice

But to find a source

Of
Chemical

Energy

Now it’s the same with happiness

At age 32

I’ve exhausted all real happiness

So I’ve had no choice

But to start drinking copious amounts of alcohol

Lots and lots

Of ALCOHOL

Because when real happiness has run dry

Like a dry town named HAPPY during prohibition era

And that metaphor may make no sense

You have no choice

But to find chemical energy

Because without real happiness

You need something synthetic

To keep you ALIVE

Of course, a good argument could be made…

That chemical happiness

Is fake happiness

And it’s a fake happiness that transports you

Into a

Fake

Reality…

That may be true

But I’ll take that fake reality

Because I’m not ready for total despair

Or death

I’m not ready for

Despair

Or death

So I’ll take chemical happiness

I’ll live off the chemical happiness

It’s good enough for me

TWO POEMS BORN OUT OF THE WITCHING HOUR

Here are two poems inspired by how I felt one late night around 3:30 in the morning...

WISH I COULD PAUSE AT 3:33

by matt burns

I have a really good buzz

Going

And I wish time could stop

At 3:33

Because I feel so good

And I just want time to stop here

So I can just chill

With this buzz

Watch some TV

Chill

Ride it

And not let morning come

Not let reality come

Not let the no job come

Not let the bills come

Not let the no money come

Not let my stomach get hungry again

And growl

Not let my thirst need quenching

Or my body need maintaining

Or my teeth need cleaning

I wish time could just stop here

I want to stay here on this couch

In the dark

With the nice buzz going

And the TV flickering

Beverly Hillbillies is on

It’s an Oldies station, late night TV

They don’t expect high ratings at this time a night

So they put on the calmer, old stuff

No Reality TV in your face

No negative world news being barked

Just stuff that keeps you calm

The more time that goes by

The more money you need

And the more depressed you get

And the more alcohol you drink

And the more your body withers

So I wish I could just stay here

In this moment

Nice buzz

Beverly Hillbillies

Forever

COULD JUST BE PLAYING THE PART

by matt burns

I’m sitting here on the couch

It’s really late at night

I feel a dark cloud over me

A dark depression weighing me down

I just want to cash in now, honey

I just want to throw in the towel

O misery!

I’m full of despair

But I’m not really sure whether I’m just being dramatic

I might just be playing the part

The part of the man who’s at the end of his rope

Instead of actually being at the end of my rope

I’ve seen this despaired character in movies

And TV

Plays

Read the part in books

So I’m not sure how real the depression is

I have surrounded myself with so many characters

From all the various forms of media

So I’m not sure how much of what I feel is real emotion

Or how much of what I feel is canned emotion

From some character 

I’ve seen

All too often I find myself playing a part

As opposed to just being me

But is there such thing as just BEING?

Maybe our brain is forced to gravitate to some character

A character that exists in our bag of Jungian archetypes

We feel unsafe lingering in chaos

Just 'being' is chaos

And we run to the character mold that fits our emotional state best

Because that’s the only way we can process what we’re feeling

Otherwise we panic in the chaos of existence

Emotion is chaos

Feeling is chaos

But what is canned emotion?

Order?

Yes

But also unreality

And living in unreality

Is 

A

Form

Of

D

E

A

T

H