THE VOID AFTER THE STORM

This poem is dedicated to Robin Williams. I think I know how he felt now...

THE VOID AFTER THE STORM

by matt burns

Life has a sick way of working

About a week after breaking ties with her

I go on my scheduled vacation

I go on it alone

The timing seems bad

If there’s one thing you don’t want to do alone

Right away

It’s vacation

I go to the beach

I explore the area

I take photos

I walk

I loaf

Alone

Of course I wish

I had somebody

To share the experience with

To share the good times with

My whole extended family is around

They have their wives

Girlfriends

Significant others

And I step outside myself

I see nobody but me

And I feel so alone

The loneliness consumes me

It mutates into depression

The depression takes me over

It shackles my arms

It shackles my legs

I can’t move

I can’t leave the cottage

I finally get into my bathing suit 

I go down to the beach 

I'm in the slowest motion

I'm wallowing through molasses

The water’s so fucking cold

I don’t care

I walk right in

I like the physical pain

It diverts attention away from the emotional pain

I want to drown myself in the cold pain

It will eventually numb my body

I won't feel anything

And I won't be in my body

And I'll be off this earth

And away from the pain

What have I done?

I don’t even know

Can’t get perspective

Can’t go backwards

Can't reevaluate

Can't make sense of it

The storm is over

But there is no peace following it

There is just a void

And I’m left wondering

Maybe the void is worse than the storm

Because now the depression is so bad

I want nothing more 

Than to die

In hindsight
I had two choices
Chaos
Or death
I should have gone with chaos
But it's too late 
Too late