sitting in the coffee shop...working on my laptop...I overhear the conversation taking place at a table close by...a bride-to-be and wedding planner...seems so strange to me...no, it's wonderful, don't get me wrong...beautiful even...and I mean that seriously...because here I am thinking why would you go to all that effort for a wedding...unfathomable to me...must be nice, though...to find somebody you love...so much that you want to celebrate that love with a wedding...one you put so much planning...not to mention money into...hire a DJ...photographer...videographer...invite all your friends...I shrug and kind of smile...that's really awesome...and, again, I mean that with all seriousness...but for me...not in this lifetime, dude...that kind of life seems so far removed, like in another dimension...because I think I know my lot now...and I've been fine with it, too...not depressed by any means...but "love", shit, that's for others, not me...I was comfortably numb...not in love...but not sad about not being in love either...I could ride this out until the end...cruise control, baby...no problemo, I'm cool with this...and totally at peace
and then it blindsided me
only about an hour or two later...a simple conversation with a new girl...only a few minutes in...everything about her mesmerizes me...the sound of her voice sounds like water trickling through stones...I'm left frozen...stunned...oh my God...I know this feeling...I was so ok being without this feeling...but, shit, it's here...been gone so long...but here it is...no warning...no time to prepare...it's just BOOM here I am...and here I am stunned...paralyzed...I don't want the conversation to end...I want it to go on forever and ever and ever...I don't want to let go...don't go away from me...please stay with me for the rest of time...please don't walk away...
but it ends...and she walks away...and I want to shout please come back...come back...but I can't say it...I see her disappear...and here I am left alone...feeling punch-drunk...head spinning...can't think straight...can hardly function...then I become pissed!..so pissed that I crossed paths with this girl!..because I thought the feeling was gone for good...never wanted to feel it again...wanted to believe it was all in the past...and I could cruise along until death...but here it was...reminding me that it's still around...and I won't get off that easy...love is out there, it was saying...not even with this specific girl...because I don't even know if I'll see her again...but it wasn't about her anyway...it was what she embodied...the feeling she represented...and how it reminded me it still exists...and you can't run away from it...nor can you shield yourself from it...love is out there...whether you like it or not...
and you'll have to deal with it again
No comments:
Post a Comment