WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY

WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY
by matt burns

I sit up late
Drinking beer
And listening to RUSH
And I think about what really makes me happy
Because that’s what the spiritual therapist said to do
I’m supposed to arrive at this conclusion
But I’m having trouble

At first I think about strip clubs
I am genuinely always happy there
But I know the happiness is short-lived
The next day, I’m empty

And then I think about writing
I’ve been doing a ton of that
Tons and tons and tons
But no matter how much I do
I never really achieve any state of lasting happiness
Or even a sense of accomplishment, come to think of it

Maybe if I finally get rewarded for my writing
With recognition
And money
But I’ve never received a penny for my writing before
So I don’t know if that would make me happy
And whether the happiness would last much longer than at the strip club
So it’s all hypothetical
And exists in a potential future that may never manifest
I may NEVER get paid for my writing
So happiness needs to come from some place else

But I don’t know where
I really don’t

What I do know
Is that sitting here
Up late
Trying to think about what makes me happy
Racking my brain
Does not make me happy
In fact, I’m much more unhappy
Sitting here
Drinking
Stressing my brain
Thinking that I’m supposed to figure this out
And keep coming up dry

So I don’t know what makes me happy
And I think that’s fine for now
I do not know
What beautiful words
I…do…not…know

Eureka!
The devil hath taken on a new guise
That of a positive psychologist
A spiritual guru therapist
Telling me to go and meditate
And figure out what makes me happy
Knowing full well
That I will stress
And rack my brain
And be convinced my unhappiness is all my fault
And I'll hate myself for not identifying what makes me happy
And that clever devil will laugh knowing he made me worse off in the end

Tip of the hat to you, O DEVIL!
You hath tricked me again!
Nothing but reverence I give to you!
Once again
I am in awe of your tricky
Clever
Ways!

Yes, the irony
Sitting here stressing over what makes me happy
Thinking the answer must be so simple
But not getting anywhere with the answer
Has made me all the more unhappy
Brilliant, devil!

So what really makes me happy?
Not sitting here
Busting my brain
Thinking I should know what makes me happy

What makes me happy
Is knowing that I do not know
And it's ok not to know
That's what makes me happy

Be gone, devil!